How to Stop Bullying In Your Classroom ... the Way You Wouldn't Expect
- Ashlyn Hart
- Jan 29
- 3 min read
Bullying sucks.
We see it in classrooms every single day.
And if you’re like me—or like most of the teachers I work with—you’ve probably heard advice like:
Catch the bully being good
Exclude the bully so they learn their lesson
Or my personal favorite gaslighting phrase of the moment:“Have you tried building a relationship with them?”
Here’s where these recommendations fall flat:
They aren’t based in how the brain actually works
They won’t actually change the bully’s behavior
What they do do is make you, the educator, feel like you’re doing something…
And they create a paper trail so schools can eventually say, “This child is someone else’s problem.”
But I digress.
So what can we do?
How do we support our bullies—because yes, just like all students with unmet needs, bullies also have unmet needs.
And unfortunately, what our false remedies often do is exacerbate those needs…
Leading to more behaviors, more isolation, and more bullying.
Because you might not like the sound of it, but it’s true:
We HAVE to protect our bullies.
If we don’t, here’s what we run the risk of:
More bullying, because they feel further triggered or disconnected
A student who ages through a system that tells them:“School—and this community—aren’t for you.”
Or students who become very preventable data points in the school-to-prison pipeline
The effects are real.
And this isn’t to minimize the impact on the bullied child either… that’s a topic for another time.
So.
What can we do instead?
First: regulate yourself.
Before we do anything productive, we need to make sure we are regulated enough to respond.
Why?
Because bullying is HELLA dysregulating.
And when we’re dysregulated, sound judgment gets replaced with reaction.
That’s why you find yourself “praising around” the bully after they say something cruel…
Even though you KNOW it’s not helpful.
Next: ask what need is being communicated.
What unmet need (or needs) is the bully expressing through their behavior?
That’s where the Behavior As Communication Workshop inside The Village comes in. That link will give you a free week inside The Village to binge that training and so much more.
Third: respond with as much tact to the bully as to the bullied.
When bullying happens in the classroom, we need to be intentional—not just reactive.
Example: A student insults another student’s socioeconomic status in front of the whole class.
Instead of:
❌ ignoring it
❌ rushing in to defend
❌ saying “That’s not nice”
Try something like:
✅ “Huh. I wasn’t expecting that from you. It caught me off guard. I’m going to take a second to regulate before I address it.”(Then actually do it, bestie.)
✅ Model a breath. Invite the class to join.
✅ Then say:“Ashlyn, I know you’re someone who cares deeply about people. I’m going to want to understand what was going on for you when you said that. We’ll talk after ___.”
Key step: stay unbothered.Because you know this isn’t “Ashlyn.”It’s her stress response.
✅ Then to the recipient:“Whew. Shake that off.”
Of course, you check in privately with both students later.
But handling it this way protects the bully and the bullied because:
You protected the bully’s dignity
You centered their best self in the moment
You increased the likelihood they’ll trust you in the 1:1 repair conversation
Because you know how we really protect the bullied child?
By teaching the bully how to express needs in a prosocial way.
So protecting the bully also protects the bullied.
It’s all connected.
I know this is a meaty concept, so feel free to email me with questions at ahart@rewirededucation.com.
I’m cheering you on as you cheer on all your students…
Even the prickly ones.
With love,
Ashlyn
Comments